I miss being a kid.

I miss being a kid,  I can cry, when I want something so bad, when I’m frustrated, when I’m scared, when I’m sad, I can just cry in front of my parents, in front of the people in front of everyone without worries, I can tell them without complicating things, I can tell them anything- everything.  

I miss being a kid, although we were not fortunate, I didn’t have too much toys, at least I didn’t live to believe that happiness can be bought with money, I had a happier childhood, when my joy didn’t come from technology, I pity my sister, I want her to see it from my perspective as a kid, I want her, to scrape her knee from running too much, sweat buckets from being out in the sun.

I miss being a kid, the way my grandparents were always there to guide me, even though my mom and my dad are miles away, I can still count on them.

I miss being a kid, when my dad and brother actually talked without the need to kill each other, when we had “family portraits”. When I didn’t feel the awkwardness of telling them “I love you”, “Happy Mother’s day”, “Happy father’s day”.

I miss being a kid, not caring of how I look, how I hated some of my past, but it shaped me to who I am today. 

I miss being a kid, when I was innocent, happy and and I was loved the most. 

Yet, here I am, trying to make sense of who I am, of where I am, and how I don’t belong.

Come and find me again. Find me, like you always do, Please. 

This place just suffocates me completely.

And I miss you, I miss your wrinkled face, your blemished hands, stained from working too hard, out in the sun. I miss your cheapskate and thrifty attitude yet you still did the opposite, when it comes to me. I miss how you’d walked for a long time just to find me things, I craved for. 

I want you to take care of my sister, Guide her, how you guided me all through my life, I want you to do the same for her too, she needs you right now. But all I can do, is remind her of you, of what a great man you were, remind her so she will never forget you, the thought of that kills me already.

I couldn’t greet you on your birthdays, visit you when you got sick, and all the while, you’d stand by my side watching me, as I heal. You were stronger than a bull, never have I witnessed you being weak, I never perceived you as a weakling, but old age, and it was only a matter of time… and I couldn’t even see you, I couldn’t even slice you fruits, or asked how you were doing.

And it pains me, to not talk to you for a year, or see your face. Or take care of you delicately, like you did, with me.

I miss you, so bad. I keep wishing you were here, I keep wishing I can see you, smile again. But I’m only able to pray for you, pray for your safety. 

I never really showed you how much I loved you, I’m sorry. And I do. 

I was walking in the hallways, stumbled upon his face for the first time in three weeks. I was dumbfounded, I was annoyed at how motionless, I was, I thought, I forgot he even existed, but he did, he was alive, breathing and was adorable as ever. 

He paused. I did too, it seemed to me that for a second there, we had a moment, but I don’t understand, did it really happened? I continued walking, hoping that, he’d call me, talk to me, notice me. Of course, it never happened.

So now, I liked him again, it’s coming back again, the feelings, I thought was gone, was still there.

And now, I don’t know what to do. 

Why do you have this kind of effect on me? you paralyze me..and I hate it.

Squall: [in his thoughts] I don’t know what to do… This is just another crossroad in my life. But, for the first time, I don’t know which way to go. I’ve come this far because I’ve… fallen for you… Rinoa… Now… am I just supposed to let you go…?

Humans are vicious monsters.

They change faster than a chameleon; their colors change in a blink of an eye. In front of others, they have a bizzare variety of masks; truly, It’s funny how fickle they are. If they desire something, they are capable of going to such great length, using every ounce of their strength to achieve it..things, you’d be amazed at what their willing to compromise for their sake. 

Humans are like predators waiting to prey on people who let their guard down, exposing their vulnerability, they can be more so of wild animals than animals in a jungle itself that the phrase “survival of the fittest” is befitting. They can stab you in the back in the most unlikely place by the most unimaginable people. 

Being a human myself, I finally understood that to trust a person, means you’re at a risk. 

I’m learning. 

She saw the world as a joyous one, every time she stepped out into the world, she felt happy, her smile was not fake, it was pure as snow and as gentle as the soft whispers of wind in her ear. 

But she’s grown up now. 

She feels compelled to trust someone, though she’s always mindful of people around her, she investigates a person like interrogating a suspect, she was told not to trust anybody. 

She feels insecure just talking to people, being awkward and shy, using it as a masquerade to avoid the embarrassment she feels, the embarrassment she sees in herself, the imperfection the mirror shows but it’s the eyes that dictates it. 

She looks at herself and wonder where that blissful innocence went, and all she can think of is the fact that she’s changing.

Much to her dismay and disappointment, she said she would be different.

I failed.